More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
