Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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