'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
