that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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