Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize