Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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