He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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