I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
