i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
