I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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