Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
