I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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