I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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