he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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