I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize