I feel like abortions should bother me more
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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