i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
