i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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