Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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