i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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