What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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