Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
