Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
