the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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