You can't special order awesome
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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