you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
