2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
