he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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