i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
