in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
