Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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