You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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