2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
