Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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