I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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