I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
