I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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