You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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