BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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