2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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