Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
