i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
