Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
