Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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