Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
