I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize