Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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