I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
