Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
