May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
