wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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