I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
