remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
