..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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