I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
