my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
two words: eviction party
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
