one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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